Koleksi Lawak

he~~

baikk..

ak copy n paste..

COST CUTTING...!!!

EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee
involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We
will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!


We are expected to perform twice our potential,
while cutting costs
to half......

This is the future performer ???

Height of cost cutting


"If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to
laugh at when you are old" - Will Rogers

PuteriNurFarah wrote:DIALEK KELANTAN
Kali Arung - Sekaligus
Air Geh - Air Berkabonat
Jauh Sapok - Teramatlah Jauhnya
Panah Terik - Panas Yang Teramat Sangat
Sejuk Ketta - Sejuk Yg Sangat?
Ite Lettung - Tersangatlah Hitamnya
Punoh Jahne - Rosak
Gura Bewok - Gurauan Yang Menyebabkn Pergaduhan
Taik Aye Muna - Tahi Ayam Yang Masih Hangat
Kona Lepe - Corner Lipat
Kelecak - Terpelanting
Nakuk Paik - Penakut Yang Amat Tinggi
Lonjong - Tinggi Sangat
Masing Pekkok - Teramat Masin = Masing Peghakk - Teramat Masin
Nipih Nayyang - Sangat Nipis = Nipih Siatt - Sangat Nipis
Maknga - Cuai
Babei - Degil (Tak Tau Nak Eja Camne)
Jabir / Supek - Plastic Bag
Koghok - Tengkorak
Kehek - Muntahkan Semula
Puahsang - Boring
Meppeh - Tak Larat
Kepeh Blepeng - Sangat Kempis
keghah kekong -keras yg teramat
koho/selo - perlahan/slow
kettuk heghek -kentut tarik
blana kokna - banyak yang amat
samah - 50 sen
duo amah -singgit
kekoh -gigit
blago -berlanggar
mokte- rambutan
woh kekoh caa -kuih buah melaka
ccongek -tejungkit
kupik hangik -kedekut nak mampos
woh tteghe-buah gajus
nnetting- melantun
manih letting -manis yg amat
pok-e-dèng -pepatung

pembetulan sikit farah... hehehhe..

Bahasa Kelantan

Ada cerita di sebuah sekolah rendah
di luar Kelate yg guru besarnya orang Kelate. Satu
hari budak-budak ternampak ular. Jadi kata
cikgu,"cepat-cepat lah katok". Budak-budak pun
heran dan jawab balik, "bukan katak cikgu, tapi
ular."
Hmmmm konpius... Katok =pukul, balun, hentam

Vocabulary :
Bokbong - spesis musang
Ttuyup - pepatung
Pok Kor - spesis mengkarung
Ike Kkhonge - ikan cencaru
Gelenyar,Gletah = mengenyam, getik
Absorber = saksoba
Supik Gelenyar - plastik bag (yang nipis tu.)
Buah Topoh = buah epal (diambil dr perkataan Arab
"tuffah" = epal)
Gaduh, bbaloh = kelahi
Ggaduh = nak cepat (double `G' means sabdu)
Saka = gula (sekarang sudah jarang digunakan
olehgenerasi baru)
Bekwoh = kenduri (mungkin berasal dari big work)
Tohok = buang
Ghohok = susah, payah
SIAK DUK GGOBAR = Jangan risau.. Don't worry,
be happy!!!
WAK GGOGHI = Bagi memulakan sesuatu.. to
start with.
DEKPONG GAK EH = Kalau ya pun
Jjughuh = baik (jjughuh budok tu = baik budak tu)
Kelaghing = kesat/not smooth (kulit kelaghing =
skin not smooth enough)

Kelantan + English?? = "Kelantalish"
Contoh:
POZEK (deposit),
RIZAT (1.result 2. reserved),
NNEJA (manager),
ISTEK (estate),
SUWIH (switch),
MERKET (market), dll...
Kata penguat dlm bahaso Klate pun boleh tahan
menarik:
manis LLETING
masin PPEGHAK
pahit LLEPE
mase PPUGHIK
tawar EBER
putih SSEPO
hite LLEGE
biru KKETU
kuning NNEHE
kenye BBONYAH
comel LLOTE
gemuk DDEBOK
busuk BANGA
hapok KOHONG

Ada beberapa "bunga bahasa" dalam loghat
kelantanyang unik..
Antaranya:
YAK = lebih kurang "opocot!!!" atau "oops!!"
DEH? = memohon restu atau persetujuan...lebih
kurang "OK?",
GAK = lebih kurang "habis tu.." atau "so.."
PAH? = lebih kurang "GAK"
HO(bunyi naik ke hidung sikit ) = "ya lah.." atau
"yes"
DOCK? = lebih kurang "bukan?", "betul tak?" atau
"isn't it?"

Seperkara lagi, ada diantara perkataan dalam
penggunaan biasa loghat Kelantan di anggap
tak manis didengar pengertiannya di dalam loghat
tempat lain...
Yang popular digunakan antaranya:

CEBOCK : kita maksudkan 'cedok', selalunya
untuk cecair, mencedok air. Banyak tempat
sebelah pantai barat membawa maksud "basuh
b***k" (istinja).
PPATAK : kita maksudkan 'paling bawah'.
Mencarut bagi mereka...
TTINO : kita maksudkan 'perempuan' tapi bila sebut
BETINA, ramai yang marah.(begitu juga JATE...)
AIR TUAK : kita minum di bulan puasa, buat
berbuka!!! Bagi orang luar, TUAK adalah Haram
(sama taraf dengan TODI & ARAK...)Yang fresh &
manis tu dipanggil NIRA.
NNATE : kadangkala "simbol" kemesraan antara
kawan...cuba direct translate jadi BINATANG...
Boleh bergaduh nanti...
SUKU SAKAT : bagi kita,bermaksud "tidak kena
mengena", bagi org KL, ia bermaksud "kaum
kerabat"

contradict betul!!! heiyerrrr...

Biasanya perkataan yang berakhir dengan
`an','am','ang' diganti dengan `e'.
cth : Jangan=jange
Lengan=lenge
Geran=gere,
Pisang=pise
Malam=male

Akhir sekali, peranan "SABDU" dalam loghat
Kelantan. Begitu besar dan boleh membezakan
langit dengan bumi.

Sekadar contoh,
Tanpa 'sabdu' orang boleh patah gigi kerana
MAKAN KANTIN, sepatutnya disebut MAKE
KKETENG (eating at the canteen)!!!
Atau salah faham antara TAK PAKAI (not wearing)
dengan TOK PPAKA (useless).
Atau keliru diantara KECEK(tipu) dengan KKECEK
(bercakap)



so itula tutorial kite ttg bhs kelantan... sekian time
kaseyy...

p/s: gomo kelate gomo

PuteriNurFarah wrote:DIALEK KELANTAN
Kali Arung - Sekaligus
Air Geh - Air Berkabonat
Jauh Sapok - Teramatlah Jauhnya
Panah Terik - Panas Yang Teramat Sangat
Sejuk Ketta - Sejuk Yg Sangat?
Ite Lettung - Tersangatlah Hitamnya
Punoh Jahne - Rosak
Gura Bewok - Gurauan Yang Menyebabkn Pergaduhan
Taik Aye Muna - Tahi Ayam Yang Masih Hangat
Kona Lepe - Corner Lipat
Kelecak - Terpelanting
Nakuk Paik - Penakut Yang Amat Tinggi
Lonjong - Tinggi Sangat
Masing Pekkok - Teramat Masin = Masing Peghakk - Teramat Masin
Nipih Nayyang - Sangat Nipis = Nipih Siatt - Sangat Nipis
Maknga - Cuai
Babei - Degil (Tak Tau Nak Eja Camne)
Jabir / Supek - Plastic Bag
Koghok - Tengkorak
Kehek - Muntahkan Semula
Puahsang - Boring
Meppeh - Tak Larat
Kepeh Blepeng - Sangat Kempis
keghah kekong -keras yg teramat
koho/selo - perlahan/slow
kettuk heghek -kentut tarik
blana kokna - banyak yang amat
samah - 50 sen
duo amah -singgit
kekoh -gigit
blago -berlanggar
mokte- rambutan
woh kekoh caa -kuih buah melaka
ccongek -tejungkit
kupik hangik -kedekut nak mampos
woh tteghe-buah gajus
nnetting- melantun
manih letting -manis yg amat
pok-e-dèng atau tuyyut -pepatung

Tambahan sket..

aik? aku rasa silap ni.. kalu tang bahasa ni kene bukak topik baru blaja bahasa daerah...

a ah..tu la...

bukak la topik baru blaja bahase klate...

teri~

lawak btul lawak ko tu...hahahaha

Isk Isk..bahasa loghat kampung aku dikategorikan lawak ke? = ="
sungguh lawak la korang nih..

dorg tersilap 2...

teri-chan wrote:gangster...

Sebuah kumpulan gangster menghadapi masalah untuk mengutip wang perlindungan
dari peniaga. Ini kerana pihak polis sering membuat intipan dan tangkapan.
Ketuanya mengambil seorang bisu untuk mengutip wang tersebut. Pada pendapatnya,
tentulah polis sukar untuk menyoal siasat si bisu tersebut.

Maka si bisu pun mula mengutip wang dan berjaya memperolehi RM50,000.
Walaubagaimana pun, dia menyembunyikan wang tersebut di suatu tempat rahsia.
Maka pada hari yang telah ditetapkan, ketua gangster mengarahkan orang-orangnya
memanggil si bisu. Apabila dipanggil, si bisu itu berpura-pura tidak dapat berkomunikasi
dengan mereka. Lalu mereka pergi berjumpa dengan seorang pakar bahasa isyarat.

Gangster : Mana wang tu?

Pakar menunjukkan isyarat kepada si bisu...
Sibisu menunjukkan isyarat untuk "Aku tak tahu apa yang mereka katakan."

Pakar bahasa isyarat memberitahu gangster tersebut. Dan gangster tersebut menghalakan
pistol ke arah kepala si bisu.

Gangster : Aku akan tembak kepala kau, bisu...

Sibisu menunjukkan isyarat "Duit RM50,000 tu aku telah sembunyikan di taman permainan
di bawah kerusi yang ketiga dari pintu masuk."

Pakar bahasa pun berkata kepada ketua gangster, "Dia tidak tahu dimana wang itu dan kalau kau nak tembak-tembaklah..."

pergh...jahat gk pakar bahasa nie....
sian si bisu tu...
huhuhu

lawaknyerrr..
tp byk...smpai xlarat nk bc..haha

meh sambung2 cite lawak lg.... aku dh takde idea nk letak cite lawak hehehe...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.



Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support:

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I

try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed

it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Tech Support:

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?

Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.

Tech support:

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer : Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

aik? IT sahaja kah? lawak english yg lain tak boleh?

assalamualaikum...

bwahaha..klua air mata aku..cant find printer tu yg sadis tu..

Lawak IT ni sbnrnye luas cik teri..Lagipon rare lawak mengenai IT nih..so lets sharing

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

assalamualaikum...

haha ye tapi kita kena paham jugak yg lawak ni difahami oleh org2 sekepala IT saja..

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

teringat aku sewaktu member aku mengajar orang orang kampung yg buta IT,
apa bile disuruh "press any key" jenuh lah sorang pakcik nie tercari cari..
apabila ditanya, dia kata: "tuan, tak jumpa pun any key nye tuan..."

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the
overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as EPL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and ESPN 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?


Signed,
Desperate

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reply:

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an
operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.


Good Luck,
IT Support

LoL sh4m, watla satu thread collection instead of 1 scenario in 1 thread..Ske wat Flooding ek? Anyway nice story..haha

hie3.. saje je.. leh la ramai2 reply post.. hie3..

sebenarnya aku jumpa artikel ni.. so trus aku post.. malas nak simpan/kumpul...

nnt aku wat 1 thread full of lawak.. hiehiehie...

p/s:senyum dapat pahala lg nampak muda..